can i not balik kampung, please?

i'm gonna be brutally honest.
i HATE dislike chinese new year.
i dislike going back to Sitiawan, and sitting in the car for 3 hours plus.
its usually so, so hot on the way there because as you know, highways DON'T have trees so the sun rays can be pretty brutal. furthermore, since everyone is rushing to go back home, it wouldn't entirely be an easy breezy journey.
but that is just a small portion of why i dislike the upcoming festivities.

my problem here is that i am related to certain people, people, who i feel have been looking down on me ever since i can remember. i don't know what it is with these people, aren't they family? you don't make a member of your family feel this way!
perhaps it all boils down to the chinese mentality, the fact that you need MUST get straight A's in order to make everyone happy and succeed in life. in this family, i've always felt as though i am THE black sheep because i am the only one who does not get 1st in class, the only one who does not get straight A's, the only one who frankly doesn't give a damn. what are they trying to portray? what are they trying to teach their children? to look down on those who don't memorize as well as they do? to bitch about another persons inability to score? what? do all chinese familes behave this way? my family in sarawak don't, and i am so so thankful that at least i have one side who treats me like i belong.

the only reason why i tolerate it is because of my grandparents. in fact, the one person i do look forward to is my grandfather because he is the only one that has treated me with kindness. sometimes, i don't even bother talking to my cousins, because among the cousins in this side of the family, i am the 2nd eldest so can be considered as "too old" already. i do have cousin brother who is if i am not mistaken, 3 years elder and i have a cousin sister who is one year younger. ah, one yer younger, and you know what this means... she is always the one i am being compared to, even if she is ONE YEAR YOUNGER.
you think about it. over there, what does she do?
tuition tuition tuition.tv.tuition tuition tuition. piano practice. tuition tuition.
COME ON of course your life there is different from my life here right? unlike you, i got OTHER things to do as well! so don't bloody fucking compare!
there was once i remember that it was after my SPM exams, and results only comes out in march or something like that... i remember going back for new year and i said that some papers were bit tough... you knw what that arrogant, cocky cousin of mine said?

"huh? oh i got a copy of the papers, close one eye also can do"

uh? really?good for you, now please go fuck off.

i remember once my aunt deliberately gave a present to my brother in front of me just because he got 1st in his class. how do i know it was deliberate? cuz she gave me this look at the corner of her eye after she said that. how not to hate the new years when all these things happens?

its a bit sad sometimes because there isn't much to do there also. they don't have astro, and my grandparents house has no form of entertainment whatsoever... so for chinese new year, i'll be watching either tv1, tv2, tv3, 8tv and channel 9.
during the afternoons when time goes by too too slowly, il either sleep, read, or study.
seriously.
i bring my textbooks with me because il be so bored with absolutely nothing to do, that il study.
a bit sad right?


so.

il be looking forward to a happy chinese new year.