me love you long time

annoying la. stop smiling.

bloody hell.

suffocating la, cannot tahan dy.

i wish there was something i can do to get rid of that annoying thing i see every time the page loads.

fuck.

yes its all in my mind. so i have to stop thinking about it?

fuck la. 

if it was that easy, i wouldn't be writing this down now wouldn't i.

I WANT IT

i can envision it so clearly in my mind.
i want it, and i want it now.

i want us to be happy and i want us to enjoy every minute of every moment together.
hold hands as we walk through a rocky road.
feed me a piece of curly fry while we're waiting for our order at the counter.
meet me after class for dinner.
surprise me with a weekend getaway.
send me a text in the middle of the night asking me whether im asleep or not.
message me on facebook telling me "i miss you"
take a long drive through the streets of kl in the early morning.
keep my hands warm as he drives.
coaxing me to finish my food.
playfully arguing about what movie to see.
sharing a plate of meatballs.
finding out that he has been talking about me to his friends.
giving me advice when im all messed up.

i want it. i want all the things that has been done and is yet to be done. i want all things good and happy to come out from this relationship. because i know, deep down with the strongest kind of conviction that everything will be alright. im going through the motions, and i will get what i want.

i will. i will i will i will. you cannot help who you fall for. its this magnetic sense that just draws me to him. even if he and i are totally on different ends sometimes but it just works. no matter what happens and no matter what people say (eventhough i understand that its cuz everyone cares deeply for me and i appreciate it so so much- my greatest wishes are for you) , I KNOW that its all a matter of time before i get what i want.

i want it. and nothing, or no one can ever ever take this away from me. because i want it. I WANT IT. i deserve to be happy, so therefore i will be happy.

dreams

i read somewhere that when we dream, its a culmination of our hopes, our fears. 

it's a reflection of what we think of constantly and those which we keep hidden deep beneath.

is it possible to fall into a dreamless slumber?

i've been getting disturbing dreams lately. 

maybe its because i cry so much and constantly have dark depressing thoughts surrounding me.

it even came to a point where i wanted to take meds just so that i can sleep. 

you see, desperate times, desperate measures.

medicine is not the only drug that can make you sleep.

i usually wake up after few hours of sleep to the sun shining brightly into my room with a tear-streaked face.

there was even a time where i refused to sleep when i was so exhausted in the afternoon because i wanted to save my sleep for the night.

i cant be up during the night.

too quiet, too dark, too lonely.

drives me crazy.

i hope that soon, i'll be able to wake up from this nightmare.

that continues even as i am awake.

no more

ive had enough drama. enough enough.

kenot tahan already.

thank god and all the angels and everything that is good for the support i have. seriously.

i know, its as if i never learn. but you cant help who you fall for.

so im going to leave it all to time now. because that is all i can do now and that is all i need to help my sanity and my situation.

you are an expensive baby

at least that was what my mom said to me this morning as we left the eye hospital. 

among my many flaws, bad eyesight is one of them for without any visual aid im frankly no better off than a blind person on the street. as a result, my glasses tend to be pricey because of the lenses, and not the frame. just for the lenses alone was 600 ringgit. mahal sial.

that is the price i have to pay for not taking care of my eyes properly. but really, when someone says please take care of your eyes, what do they really mean? perhaps my high power is due to the fact that when i read, i read incessantly, causing a great strain to my eyes. and i love love love to play computer games (yes, im a huge geek) so yess, in the end the left eye is in the 800s and the right is in the 900s. i was told that if a person has eye power of 1000, he/she would be considered legally blind in the US. 

woah. im almost blind man. scary.

somebody, anybody... kind enough to sponsor a LASIK procedure?

malaysian squatters association

to ppl like ahmad ismail, and those who think just like him-

too fucking bad. we are here to stay.

you can call us all the names you want. heck, i'll even provide a thesaurus when you run out of words. as a matter of fact, to be a squatter is an international thing, dont you know?

the international squatters symbol as sourced from Wikipedia

sometimes ppl forget their origins, and where they came from.

you wanna go way back and discuss about historical origins?

 then the orang asli and the original bumiputeras who have been reduced to a mere "lain-lain" in all prerequisite forms should be given high supremacy.

what the hell. you wanna close all the kelabits, lotus, orang sungais, ibans, penans, kedayans, selakos, bidayuhs, melanaus, dusuns, kadazans, muruts, bisayas, orang aslis and so many more into LAIN-LAIN? they should be the one throwing a pussy fit.  

eventhough sometimes i myself cant stand certain chinese people, i am after all 50% chinese. so here i am, for once to back up the race that makes up half of what i am. what pisses me off entirely is that we are blamed because we happen to be doing better than others. you think so easy is it, to be at a huge disadvantage, to claw your way onwards and upwards?
its called HARDWORK. have you seen how these chinese parents make their kids go to endless tuitions and supplemental classes like piano, violin, ballet, etc... the whole quota system works against us for heavens sake, but to those people who think along the same lines of ahmad ismail, its as though whatever we have worked hard to achieve just fell out of the sky. if that was so easy, then there should not be this problem of the chinese playing an important part of the economy since if good things can fall from the sky then everyone who happens to be standing outside on a good bountiful day would be able to get these things too as they drop so easily innit.

dont la blame the chinese for the problems that arises, k. come on, we must have done something good for you guys, right or not? if there were no relations whatsoever with the Ming dynasty, how the hell do you think small itsy bitsy weeny malacca survived against potential attacks from Siam and Majapahit huh? it cannot be because the troops from those two places passed by one day and found malacca so adorable and small and went "awwwwwww.................so cuteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..............lets leave it alone"
you wanna state facs, state them in its entirety. If not for the protection of Ming, malacca will not and never could be developed into a major hub on that stupid trade route we all had to study during our secondary school years okay.

so please stop all these squatter nonsense, really.

i have friends from all different races, as a matter of fact ive got best friends from each one of the major races. i dont see the point in even differentiating one from another because of who they happen to believe in and what color their skin happens to be. WHATEVER la really.

having racist leaders which are so abundant at the moment, just makes things worse for the country. for all you know, ppl my age dont give a bloody fuck, so dont go around creating shit out of thin air.

Dear Yee Meng

i'm so glad we found each other again

boom

help me seriously.

i think the air in bkk is just super teruk, it wrecked havoc on my skin!

its no secret that ive been struggling with my skin condition, but lately its getting better in the sense that its not so red and angry looking anymore..ive got loads of whiteheads but those will clear out in due time (or so ive been told) however, today the right side of my face is entirely swollen, and looks so red and inflammed!

and im starting classes this saturday, how unlucky is that, seriously.

i never had acne on my cheeks not until i started college. and god knows the amount of money ive spent on tryng to improve my skin condition.

it really affects my self esteem, and ive become obssesed with trying to have flawless skin. i dont care if i do get the occasional pimple, but please, all this flareups on my cheeks are so glaringly obvious. but frankly, what else can i do? ive done almost everything short of lasers and microdermabrasions.ive tried clinique, ive taken antibiotics, ive done almost everything! and im tired of it, really.

someone recommended cellnique to me, and i think out of desperation il just go ahead and try it next month when im flush again. in the meantime though, i hope my acne will subside, cuz there is nothing more embarrassing than to be a 23 year old with such unflawless skin.

go away if you're looking for something happy to read

its so weirdlah.

you see, when i got back from bkk, i told myself if i dont hear from him that monday night THATS IT we are SO over.

so since ive been pretty "lucky" in the matters of the heart, needless to say that my phone was really silent that night.

feeling majorly depressed, the shoutouts on my MSN and FB reflected the same.

and the irony of all ironies, guess who was the one who checked on me to see if i was alright?

my ex's new sweetheart.

take a cold dagger and thrust it through my already broken heart already now wouldya.

dont get me wrong, i have nothing against her, and im happy they are head over heels in love with each other..

its just that i can't stand the thought of happiness at the moment. 

not when i am so unbearably sad.

sick cycle carousel

its just the same old shit.

i dont hear from him, and im beyond trying to be patient.

i get upset, which results in me making frantic calls.

and when my calls go unanswered, i cry and i cry and i think of the worst things ever.

he's lost interest.

he's found someone new.

he's trying to be kind to me by making me move on first.

then i cry and cry and cry.

i get chest pains and my eyes are sore.

then i finally hear from him.

its either an admonishment for being impatient.

a brief "hey, im sorry, was busy"

and my tears dry up instantly.

its the power ive inadvertently allowed him to have over me.

its the same old shit.

rinse and repeat.

a romantic, but an utterly hopeless one

8th September 2008

2233

Hi, busy?

2259

*calls go unanswered*

2308

*calls go unanswered*

2336

:) sleeping, driving, busy,no credit? :p i so wanna talk to you! Didn't think you would be asleep by now cuz i msg you around the same time yesterday :) i got lost in kl today ;p so typical of me, i took three wrong turns, missed a couple of junctions hahahaha :) eh msg me k? Its difficult not hearing from you, and i know ur busy lately but im not asking for much, please? dont leave me out, it scares me... take care, goodnight :) lol. Its 9 months already omg if you know what im talking about lol :)

9th September 2008 

0008

Sorry. busy for assignment due tomorrow.

0105

Can i ask you a simple question?

0105

What is it?

0107

Do you miss me very much?

0107

I do miss you.

0110

Me too. Don't sleep so late dearest. You got to get up early, isn't it.. I'm going to bed now :) nite

0111

I try. Nite. :)

clutching at straws

when you open a dictionary

and look for the word "PATIENT"

you will NOT see my pic there

if you look for "TRYING TO BE PATIENT"

my picture will take up the whole freaking page

lol

wuts wrong

banyaknya metaphore

im trying to be patient you know

trying to be

that day he said he will msg me after he buka puasa

omg i waited from 7 til 930

cannot tahan, i called and called

he got pissed

and then ?

he asked me

"why you tak sabar sabar wan!"

"when i said ill msg you, i will"

then juz let him be la 

do u realize that u might be suffocating him ?

yes

i know

even an onlooker like me could notice

so thats why

i am trying to be patient

you know

i cant be blamed for acting all paranoid when he does certain things

sigh

most of all, i know how it feels like to be irritated with a friend

i really know how that feels like and i hate it

then try harder la 

i know how irritating that could be as well 

you know what

i will just not msg him

just let it be for a few days

im scared, k. thats why

i told u to do that , did i not

yes

and i did!

sometimes the more u try to cling on 

the more it drifts

so its better to let nature takes its course

most of what i do, its out of fear

its no excuse, i know

u know 

im thinking 

what ur going through

might be more of an infatuation then the actual thing 

if u know what i mean 

yeah

im just waiting for that one moment where this would turn off

you know

il do a complete 180

yes i know 

once a girl changes , theres no turning back 

i know that all too well 

so i am waiting for that

but as long as i know there is a slight possibility of it going my way, i wont

wouldnt that be self deceiving ?

at ur current rate

u won't be able to differentiate what is going your way or not 

deep down i know im lying to myself

then again, so is he

everytime he does something positive , it would be deemed as going ur way 

when would it end ?

it wont end, i fear.

i see myself clutching onto a ledge with bloody fingernails, screaming out in pain 

"make this work, dammit!"

its even come to a point where im so scared to discuss this with anyone.

i know i may end up annoying everyone.

so i keep it all inside, and grow miserable, day by day.

rant

urgh whatever la.

when i grow up i wanna travel and do good things for good people.
i want to be able to afford the best cosmetics and lotions.
i wanna go to places ive never been but ive only heard of from people who have been there.
i want to be able to walk into any shop and simply pick and choose pieces to my liking.
i want to fix my nose, my eyes, my teeth, my skin.
i wanna hire a personal trainer and a nutritionist to ensure that i eat what im supposed to.
i wanna be the friend who gives the best presents for birthdays and throws fabulous parties.

i wanna do so many things i wasn't able to do simply because i was never good enough, pretty enough, smart enough.

lets just say, the one thing that can't buy happiness sure will make your life way much easier.

THIS IS A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

we strongly recommend BABYLON A.D starring Vin Diesel and Michelle Yeoh.

if you are the type of person who enjoys watching moves that makes you go "HUH?" then this movie is THE one for you *gringringrin*

went to watch it last night with a very generous yc. *thank you!*

we parked at the new wing, only to walk all the way to the old wing just to have our dinner.

what do you want to eat huh?

dunno. haven't seen any food shops yet..

that is after we walked by vietnamese kitchen, dragon-i, chillies, nandos, itallianies..you get the drift. sooooooooooooooooooo picky la!

we walked by shojikiya and i REALLY wanted to eat there since my first attempt to do so failed miserably :(

hey you wanna eat here? heard the sushi is pretty good.

huh, i try not to eat at these places, its so open..

....................

we ended up at sushi king.

which is right at the other end of one utama.

gila.

okay yes. ive learnt that there are two types of salmon.

one is the normal RAW salmon.

the other is SMOKED salmon.

yes, yes, i am wrong. its not tuna. :D

i love smoked salmon la.

i really really REALLY love it la.

the flavour, the texture...mmmmm....

shit. damn hungry now.

about the movie?

go watch!

really!!!

:D

thanks khelvyn.

you managed to make me forget, and thats enough, eventhough its only for one short night.

I pray my story has a happy ending

sometimes, we cant do it on our own.

so we look to the divine.

every night, i pray for the things i hope for.

those deepest darkest dearest dreams that only God knows.

there are times when i cry as i pray because things are really as hopeless as it seems.

and there is nothing i can do about it.

so i pray and i pray.

pray for success.

pray for will power.

pray for happiness.

pray for love.

pray for a miracle.

"I pray that I don't get hurt"

"I pray that he is faithful"

"Please, let me see him soon"

"Please, I pray that he loves me"
"Please, I pray that I stop loving him since he doesnt love me"

I pray for a happy ending to this twisted love story.

i am a sucker for pain.

what the hell. am i the only one who's not getting some lately?

i miss you guys. so very much.

i can finally breathe once more

do you know how it feels like to have your entire future depending on a single slip of paper?

in the week before the results were supposed to come out, i've had panic attacks which were few and far in between. id suddenly think of "what-if's" and figuring out all the consequences in the event i couldnt move on to do my clp.

there was so much on the line.

i always am told "you are doing this for yourself" which to a certain extent is true but its pure bullshit la. your results are not only for yourself, it has its effects on everyone around you.

i kept on thinking on how i would be able to pull myself out of the sheer depression id be in if i had gotten a degree that does not qualify me to practice law.

* the LLB comes in few classes. The highest is First Class, followed by Second Class (upper division), Second Class (lower division), Third Class and General Degree. only First class and Second class degree holders are allowed to sit for the CLP*

ever since i did my attachment at this law firm, it suddenly came as a revelation to me.

THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO.

i never knew there exist a job so challenging and rewarding at the same time. i want it so bad that i savoured every single day like it was my last because i know not if i'll ever be back again.

i had difficulty breathing, and the effects are still there. sometimes at night when all is calm and quiet, i can still hear noises coming from my chest.

needless to say, i was scared stiff when i was informed that we could finally check our results online. i cried and cried and cried somemore. i was a horrible mess and i couldnt do it alone. i went to find my brother and he was shocked when he saw me.

when i finally managed to key in the relevant digits, what came out made me sob uncontrollably.

i am so, so blessed.

am i dyslexic?

i mean seriously.
i am confusing my B's with my D's (and i dont mean that as in cup size okies).
case in point, im looking at s39B of the Dangerous Drugs Act 1952, and im taking down notes.
my note pad will look like;

"S39D S39B of the Act further states..."
"....therefore accused is charged under S39D S39B of the Act for trafficking..."
"...appellant is contending that the trial judge should have charged the respondent under S39D S39B.."

i tend to get my numbers all twisted up, and sometimes while writing down my phone number, i'll put down the last digit as a sum of the last two digits.
okay. thats confusing.
sort of when i mean to say xxx-xxxxx26?
i end up saying xxx-xxxxx28.
wtf, correct?

i was complaining about it to my colleagues then the three of us decided to wiki it..
omg. do i suffer from ADHD as well?!

its funny, because the three of us are sharing one office where the door is constantly open. so when people walk by, all they could see are three attachees staring very intently at the screen, not knowing we were reading up on dyslexia ;p

nah.
im not dyslexic.

cuz i wouldnt be able to read up on all the cases ive been reading up on now, would i?

4 days worth

its such a great form of escapism.
i now understand why people convert and become workaholics.

DAY ONE
i walked in 5 minutes late. hehe.
first day summore. *note to self. work on timing.*

i was not prepared for the amount of people taking the train to work. i understand that its the morning rush and all, but seriously..its as though the platform was not enough to hold all these people.
i thought id be able to make it in time if i leave the house at 730, but i ended up leaving at 735.
madness. furthermore, the train lingers at every platform, cuz it takes longer to shut its doors and go on its way. doesn't make much sense to me though, its not like leaving the doors open for few more seconds would allow more people into the train anyway.

so as i walked into the office, i was relieved to see that i was not the only new person there.
Besides another attachee, there were three new chambies as well. oddly enough, the first half of the day was spent with us not doing anything. seriously. just sitting in the chambering room talking to each other, more of like an informal "getting-to-know-you" session..

of all the fears i had such as
-snobby chambies
-stern and unfriendly lawyers
-being the only new one
-not knowing anything and ending up looking pretty foolish
-someone else wearing the same thing as myself (i know, super damn superficial)

ONE OF THE CHAMBIES WORE THE SAME SHOES AS I WAS.
OMG hahahahha..it was a great ice breaker la haha
"hey? same shoes!"
"yeah, i saw it when you walked in earlier on" *smiles*

halfway through the afternoon i was called up to my master's office along with another chambie. she assigned us this particular thing, and it was my first time looking through our malaysian law journals. im so not used to seeing malaysian names in cases! *jakun*

my master wanted me to get it for her ASAP.
so i asked another attachee (who has been there for a week already)
"hey, when someone says they want it ASAP..how ASAP is ASAP?"
"if they give it to you in the morning, you have to give before lunch..if you are given before lunch..you have to give it before you go home...like half a day..?"

so i rush like a gila person la.
only after i managed to find something (or at least, i thought i DID..) and running up the stairs to hand it to her...
SHE'S ALREADY GONE HOME.
*sigh*

had dinner with darling min. the bestie i only get to see once or twice (if i'm lucky) a year.
shattered all my romantic delusions about finding the right guy in one sentence.
asshole. but i love you anyways min, IF you are reading. but you know that without needing me to say a word, dontcha?


DAY TWO
decided to make a bit more effort and got up EVEN later.
what the fuck, right?
but i managed to leave the house ON time, and strolled easily into office at 820 :D
happy.

continued my search for my master, trying in vain to get what she wanted.
(and i decided to wear a different pair of shoes) haha..
i met her first thing in the morning, but unfortunately, what i got is not what she wanted. she finally explained to me in further detail what she needed, so with a narrow parameter, i was able to localize my search. and i ended up carrying 4 journals up to her room. HEAVY SIAL. (ok ok, i can't possibly bring all 4 up myself, so i had assistance)

she seemed quite satisfied with one of the cases i showed her, and therefore proceeded to give us a newer task.

i love to stay in the library. its so quiet, so scholarly.
but i suppose that just reading cases after cases, it took its toll on me so i ended up taking a short nap in the library. LOL. so exemplary, no?

digressing abit- i wore an apple green baju with black pants to the office..shortly after that one of the chambies informed us kindly that we are ENCOURAGED to wear black and white. just in case we need to go to court. so its pretty strict, the dresscode there. i felt like i stuck out like a green sore thumb. but i felt better when it was pointed out that someone else's attire was much too casual for the office.. *guilty*

since we left the office relatively late on the first day, the other attachee, yY and i decided that we would go back early; ie on time today.
just as we were getting ready to return the books to their respective shelves, Attachee Sr rushed into the library
"who wants to go to court tomorrow? palace of justice in putrajaya"

yY and i just looked at each other and we were like
"no!"
"i dunno the way!"
"no clothes to wear!"


Attachee Sr shook his head and laughed in disbelief.
"First time i hear attachee don't want to go to court just because she has no clothes to wear"

yY and i eyed him
"you know right, we were indirectly told off this morning about our clothes!!"
"alright..i'll go and inform them.."
and went off snickering. -_-""

"i feel bad la wei. not a very good impression."
"but what can we do..? i don't know how to get there!"

and we went to the chambering room and apologised to one chambie who was following her master the next day.
"i'm so sorry..do you really need an attachee to follow you?"
"yes, because its a good opportunity.."
"i don't know the way.. and i dont have suitable clothes.."
"eh? i got a white shirt..and my jacket is hanging on the back of the door.."

and she handed me the jacket, and it fit me perfectly.
"see? no more excuses!"

so that is how i ended up being the one to go to court the next day -_-"""


DAY THREE
had to wake up bloody early.
Attachee Sr's advice kept on replaying itself over and over in my head.
"you MUST be at KL sentral BEFORE 8."

i managed to get into the LRT by 730 i think..
OMG do you know how freaking worried i was?
i was carrying a bag stuffed with documents on my left shoulder, coat in my right hand. black knee length skirt with a proper white buttoned down formal shirt. running around in 3 inch heels.

tak-tak-tak-tak-tak up the escalator.
tak-tak-tak-tak-tak into the train (ignoring the bitch stares i got from the people around me because i had to cut the queue *appologises profusely*)
muttering my hail marys praying that i'll make it to sentral on time. serious shit. at every stop i'll be doing an internal countdown like "6 more to go..5 more..okay nearly there.."
and i had sordid visions of how i'll miss my train..and not make it to the Palace of Justice on time..and the look of disappointment..and the bad impression.. ugh..
stress sial.
reached kl sentral tak-tak-tak all the way down the stairs.
managed to get my ticket three freaking minutes before the train leaves.
tak-tak-tak-tak-tak-tak down the escalator, literally leaping into the erl.

(i only found out much later that the train will only depart 5 minutes after its due departure time.. geram sial)

finally, upon reaching putrajaya, my poor feet protested at the long and ardous walk to the taxi stand.
so damn far man!

but i'm thankful i made it on time.

seriously. i may as well have gone around with a huge JAKUN sign stamped onto my forehead.
the place was freaking huge. and ive never been to court, and here i am at the court of appeal.
got lost trying to find the cafeteria. hopeless, kan?

(later when i was excitedly recounting my story to a friend, i felt like cekik-ing her...im so happy i could go but then she blandly responded with
"oh..i was also given a chance to go, but i refused."
"but, its like my third day! and i get to go! second highest court!"
"well i was offered on my second day..and ask me three times already..i rather stay in library and do research. go to court. you learn NOTHING"
"you so negative la you..."
"im being a realist"
i did feel a bit potong steam la after that. but i respect what she had to say because that is her own opinion. as for me, i still am incredibly happy that i went. yes there will be many times after this, but the first time is always special, right?)

was really tired later on that evening, but i really wanted to see kiko.
met him at 8 and we lost each other at kl sentral, imagine that?
but for a moment only though *save face*
"where you wanna go?"
"dunno.where you wanna go?"
"dunno la..im freaking tired, you think la"
"we're going to your area! i dunno whats there.."

ding dong up and down like no ones business la the two of us.



DAY FOUR
a relatively normal day..body getting used to the routine by now.
i was assigned to do a research by one of the partners, so i carried the statute book and a whole bunch of books to the attachee room (they had to separate us..the chambies and the attachees, i mean..the chambering rooom was too small to fit such a huge number of people)

there was a talk that was going to be held at this particular place.. we were told that we SHOULD attend it (i now understand that the onus is on you to just accept any offer because i think they are not really asking you to do something...its more of like they are telling you to do so...which is great, or else we'd be missing out on loads of stuf if we had to choose it based on our own accord)
we were told that it starts at 3.
yY and i were so engrossed indoing our work that when we looked up at the time it was already 245.
and having to find Attachee Sr, getting our stuff together, etc etc..by the time we leave office, sure damn late, right?

we walked in exactly at 3.
to find that we were the only ones there.
upon receiving our materials and handouts for the talk..
we saw that the talk is only supposed to start at 330. finishes at 730. DAMN LONG LA WEI!

we left after the first half.
cannot la, the three of us were nodding off during the first talk itself.

met up with exBfNo3 for dinner. i really wanted to go to shojikiya for dinner but upon arrival, the line was so damn long. its sickening to see that the one restaurant i really wanted to go into was once again beyond my reach.

ended up at delicious once again with a huge bowl of wedges. and odd enough, the ex was not hungry so only a quarter of the wedges was consumed. damn wasted la wei!

ah. the ex.
he looks the same. but different, too.
thinner than ive ever known him to be. but a better conversationalist.
and he looks good also, somehow *smiles*
but what we had once between us (if one could actually call that "something") is no longer there. he is just a comfortable reminder of what the past was.

geri's long day

alright so its my last free monday of my holiday for tomorrow i shall be starting my attachment at z&c.

damn nervous la wei. like stomach churning breaking out in cold sweat weak legs kinda nervous.

i knew i shouldn't have skipped yoga AGAIN. maybe all of the stretching and twisting would be just right to straighten up all my knotted nerves.

you know, im so uptight that it does not even bother me that the bf has not msged me for one whole day.

*edit*
fuck you dude.
i got other things to worry about.
forgiven, sayang.

its the last day of june, my hols started earlier this month. so its been roughly a month of not doing..anything? true, i didn't intend on doing anything at all this hols, but as time goes by really really slowly...its just more than i can bear, honestly..

im gonna have to take a passport photo later for work tomorro though..i procrastinate till the very last minute, my god..joycey tells me that the photo people do some work on the photo before printing it out..but really, do they do that? how kind!
im just gonna slather on concealer anyways, to be safe *sigh*

there are 3 people im expecting to hear from today.. and ExBfNo3 is one of them.
can't wait to catch up over lunch!

__________________________________________

so its currently 11 pm, and the countdown to working begins..nerves, my dear, be calm..

i didnt have a very good day. ExBfNo3 called me back only after two hours. i know, i shouldnt be so uptight about it but he made me wait sooo long, and i didnt want to have anything to eat because i was unsure as to what my lunch plans are going to be. why i bothered waiting? its because he had some errands to run before he could confirm our lunch plans, but i know for a fact that his msg could have come earlier.and there i go again. waiting for a guy.

i couldnt handle not having my kawan kawan around me so i actually went to my car in the parking lot and tried my best not to cry.
imagine? i get myself a pair of shoes and walk around one u looking at the phone sooo often that had anyone studied me closely, they would think i was being stood up.
waiting for my lunch date to call. (busy with errands)
waiting for my bf to msg me with his usual "hey, what you do?" (in class)
waiting for the best friend who flew in from UK to msg me cuz ive been waiting to hear from him ever since knowing he's back.(out to lunch, etc etc..dont blame him, after all he just got back..)

abit disappointing la really.
most disappointing was the fact that deep down, i knew this is not how i wanted to spend the day.

finally i couldnt stand it,i cried in the car.
really, i am not shy to say that i shed a few tears in the comfort of my car, and gave kiko a call blasting him with a torrent of "why-haven't-you-msg-me" and a dash of "i've-been-waiting-for-my-ex-to-msg-me-for-nearly-3-freaking-hours"

i hate it when he makes me feel better.
means ive caved in.
i wanted to be all kelly-clarkson-independent-woman-type you know, and initial plan was to ignore him for one whole day.
tit for tat, you know, i dont get your msgs, you wont get mine too *hmph*
but i can't.
i just needed him at that point.

however.
i received the msg from ExBfNo3 at 2.
i only replied at 530.
see how HE likes it, waiting for 3 freaking hours.

then much later on, i felt bad.
"i'm sorry i replied so late. had a bad day"

sigh.

so we talked awhile..when suddenly
"hey, i call you later, okay? im going out now, im really sorry la wei"

wtf.
"you know that is like the third time you said you'll call me..don't say things you don't mean"

seee?
so full of benci-ness.

kiko tells me to rest.
i tell him im excited about going to work..its like going back to school :)
i hope for all the best!
and like my peers and kawans, ill try to blog about my experiences as well as i can :)

good night.
ending the post with a happy note.
*round of orange juice for all!*

bubbly

i just got back from dinner.. and all i can think of now is

The rain is falling on my window pane
But we are hiding in a safer place

Under covers staying nice and warm

You give me feelings that i adore

They start in my toes

Make me crinkle my nose

Wherever it goes

I always know

That you make me smile

Please stay for a while now

Just take your time

Wherever you go

to those who know what is really happening..im just falling deeper into it, huh? i cant help it.

nonsensical nonsense

Excerpt 1:

what have you been up to lately, now that you have no classes said yoki to me.
FERMENTING said i.
LOL said he what a word to use!
i think we may have very well started a new term.

Let me illustrate for you.
Q: Hey, you free tonight?
A: Nah, i've got to ferment.

Excerpt 2:

hello said i to kiko. are you awake?
no said he, i'm half asleep.
alright then, talk to me when you're fully awake said i, not wanting to disturb him.
i can't sleep, he grumbles. the sun is shining in my face.
oh? said i as i raise an eyebrow. how inconsiderate of the sun to do so..when i see it, i'll be sure to scold it for shining into ur face.

something you can't run away from

woohoooo

come 1st July il be experiencing new things, in a place which (on first impression) seems to be very impressive.

i have been very adamant to those (who are willing to listen, of course) that i don't ever wanna grow up.
when i grow up, i wanna be a kid
i like being a student, it leaves my days free to do as i wish provided of course i don't totally leave my books to rot in the gutter. this realisation arose after i had worked for 5 months in a place where the job was really causing my IQ to further decrease. eventhough it paid well, it was the type of job that only robots will enjoy doing, seeing as it was so mechanical.
i really pity those who work as admin assistants. if their job is anything like how mine was, lets just say im upping the pity quotient an additional 50%.
ever since then, i told myself being a student is way better than this.

however, one day as i was preaching how great it is to be at the age we are now, someone said yes, but everyone has to grow up sometime. you will look pretty silly if ur still a professional student at 40.

considered my bubble burst.yes, deep deep deep deep deep deep down deeper than the deepest downest of my being, i know is a truth we all can't run away from.
*tying on me running shoes*

my reason for not wanting to grow up is because of the lack of familiarity. that adults seem to become grey when they start working. i don't ever wanna become grey! they sit in offices all day on a comfy cushioned chair with the aircon blasting at its maximum..
havoc on skin, havoc on the butt.

id be graduating in a few months time. its so fast. time to finish writing the last few chapters of Geri The Student, and moving on to a draftwork of Geri The Working Adult.

starting a new chapter, is starting all over again.
from learning so much to be placed in a situation where you know nothing once again. therefore lies my downfall which is where i have this fear of looking like a total and complete idiot in a situation where i don't have a clue as to what is going on.
and that if i ask, the person on the receiving end will think im being annoying.

but the more i think about it, the more it makes sense.
its all because i am no longer in control of the situation. i don't know what the others around me are thinking, i don't know how these people are like..so it is natural to feel intimidated by it all.
it should obviously not hinder me from learning as much as i can, correct?

everyone has to start somewhere, one cannot expect to go straight to the top when ur still a little fresh thing, isn't it? i was told, once..
the easier it is to go to the top, the easier it is to fall

its okay. i rather pay my dues now, and take each step slowly.

falling down causes bruises which takes forever to go away.

slutty therapy

to those who are willing to spend time reading my blog, i just want to say thank you.

i think it can get a bit tiresome when i mostly speak aboout my limbo relationship. but alas, that is the one interesting event happening in my life at the moment.

on another note, ExBfNo3 had been pretty sweet, and talking to me pretty regularly in the past week. but somehow, i don't feel like wasting my time getting close to him again. a friend once said it's always the nicest in the beginning and every word rings a bell of truth.
what turned the milk sour? his unpleasant comments which left a bad taste in my mouth.

i dislike racism. unfortunately he said a couple of things that totally turned me off. come on, i have best friends from 3 of the major races, so if you are looking for a racist debate, please go elsewhere because i don't have the time to deal with your narrow mindedness.
each person has their own prejudices, but who are you to say you're more superior than another? cant we look beyond colour? stop using religion and race as a fucking excuse, alright? it all boils down to the person you are deep inside. look, even the Pharisees were a bunch of assholes and they are the ones who held pretty high positions in the synagogue, look at what happened to them?

ive always believed that if you want to be treated well, you have to treat others well too.
similarly, i wouldn't want people talking about my race, so i dont talk about others.
i am a strong believer of what it is to lead by example.

the thing about words? you can't take it back.
so i am not interested in what he has to say, anymore.

on to lighter things.

ive often wondered, how do people juggle more than 2 or 3 other people at one time? seriously? ive had my fair share of dealing with 3, 4 guys at a time, but its so exhausting.. furthermore, even when i am dealing with all of them, there is usually one person whom i pay most attention to.
on a good day, i end up making firm and fast friends. No feelings whatsoever.
on a bad day, i fall for one who turns out to be the wrong one to fall for.
how can i juggle these men without getting my feelings involved?
how do they do it?
they are sluts thats why. don't worry.
you know. maybe we need to be sluts so we dont get hurt.

quitting, starting over

i was feeling pissed with the amount of parental control in the house for the past week.
so when a twenty-something feels that way, the parents should rue the day.

decided im not going to be the doormat anymore. after all if there was even some sort of acknowledgement that i have been pulling my weight around the house it wouldn't be so bad but there i was getting slammed for things ive supposedly not been doing.

and then, something within me snapped.
why on earth am i being scolded as though i have not been doing anything at all to help around the house?
ask any friends of mine, and they will tell you that i always cut my trips short because im always in a hurry to ensure there is food on the dinner table.

why am i being accused of not being a good example when i tell my siblings to make sure they have an opinion and not grow up to be spineless creatures?

decided, that was it.
i absolutely refused to look for a job because i have been putting my family first all this while.
i kept on thinking, if i work, how about the chores around the house? how about dinner?

so you know, i QUIT.

got my resume together, got myself an interview, got myself a position at a firm.

so i got til july to get my stuff together and making sure ive got enough clothes to wear..
its been a long time since i last worked in an office anyway.
if you take a look at my wardrobe, you'll see the clothes of a college student who goes to the gym regularly, and has a penchant for dresses.

this is one shopping trip i absolutely dread.

i can't say that i don't like you, can't say i do either

12:20
whatchu up to?
nothing.
wanna go out?
yes! what time?
1.
thats like in a while isnt it?
yeah. dont want to be at home any longer.
got some stuff to do. call you later.

1:45
hey, lets go watch kung fu panda together.
sure.
so il pick you up k, 3?
dont make me wait, its hot there..
*princess* yes yes il be there and i wont make you wait.
promise?
promise.

2:45
woi. where are you?
still waiting for the train.

3:43
will be there in 20 minutes

4:10
im here already
will be there in a minute

4:10
see, i was here less than a minute! i wanna watch kungfu panda. its at 5.
can sampai on time onot?
can.

5:00
two tickets for kungfu panda please :)
couple seat?
yes.

ineedajobrealfast

SOMEBODY, ANYBODY.

PLEASE GIVE ME A JOB.

GERI WANTS TO WRITE FOR YOU.

SO PLEASE GIVE GERI A JOB THAT ALLOWS HER TO WRITE TO HER HEART'S CONTENT.

FASHION, LIFESTLYE, FOOD, RELATIONSHIPS.

PLEASE GIVE ME A JOB.

happiness. joy.

I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY.

i have thrown away every stupid memory of a crappy situation.
im finally over the Revisionist Relationship Disorder- where the continuous loop of the good parts keep on replaying itself over and over and over in my head skipping past the horrible moments.
ive gotten out of stalker mode- checking up on his every move, every shoutout, every everything.

the moment i broke out of this dungeon i was in, guess what?

he sends me a msg.

wah. damn happy la.
not because OH HE MSG ME!
but because im so over all that nonsense so its more like SERVES YOU RIGHT YOU ASSHOLE and therefore i ignored whatsisname completely..

it goes to show.
when you let go, amazing things happen.

anything for you

three little words i haven't heard in a long time.
hearing them again makes me smile.

its like how they say.
once you move out of that rut, things become much better and suddenly vast opportunities and possibilities appear.

its like completing a level in a game.
you got to finish the objective, reach a goal in level one before you can move on to level two.

so perhaps that was what i needed to do.
kill the monster of uncertainty.
destroy the temple of depression.

ive leveled up.

The Commando

alright, im feeling much better now.
last night around 2 i just couldnt sleep especially with all the nonsense going on in my mind. finally i was like alright, fuck it and i decided to msg alpha
are you angry with me or are you not talking to me for some reason?

NO REPLY.
typical la this boy!

but knowing that he is famous for being supercallifragilisticespiallidociously BROKE.
perhaps he had no credit?
case in point, we once went out and he only had 2 ringgit. WTF right?
what the hell, you only got 2 ringgit, so why you bother going out?!
because i want to see you ma. tak boleh ke?

anyways back to the story- i decided to call him (after much deliberation)
wei.
yes. listen! i got no credit!
uh huh..
now its the holidays, parents not giving me any money..
so we are..okay?
yes! we are alright..
sure?
yes la.. dont wory so much okay, you know me right, when i dont have money, i dont have money..
so how come you can still go out all that?!
i also dunno! like lepak at the mamak no need to spend money wat..i have to be like a commando la and see if my friends can cover for me..

*rolls eyes a gazillion times*
but i tell you. ive known him for 5 years. but i suppose this little habit of him being so careless with money is something i have to get used to..

so you know what?
im happier now.

and calmer.
and i hope il stay this way for a longer period of time *smiles*

its over

its over.
i dont ever want to think about one.
i dont ever want to think about the other.

enough of the games.
i feel as lonely as hell now.
but its way much better than crying myself to sleep.

ive deleted one off my list.
as for the other, i have change back to my old number so that i wont keep on looking at my phone hoping he texts me.

im trying so hard to be brave, you know? but i really feel as if ive lost all my best friends.
is it because there is something wrong with me?

or what? is it because ive always blurred THAT line?

but you cant help it if you feel what you feel.

im trying so hard to be a big girl, and not cry about it.
but i try
and i try
and i try
and i try
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
but i cant hold it in anymore.
it hurts so much when the person you use to turn to is the person you have to avoid in order to make things right for yourself again.

pain is especially difficult to bear when you are on your own.

"risky love"

so there i was the other day with nothing better to do.
an idle mind is the devil's workshop, and this is what i ended up downloading

imagine how hard i laughed when i saw the opening introduction?

click on image to enlarge

its a see saw kinda game. and it only has 5 levels.
when the girl comes down, you gotta make sure she falls back on the see saw and then the guy will bounce up to get all the stuff up there..
for fucks, il just let the guy fall down when its his turn.
lets just say, the smallest things can make me laugh.

miss you miss you damn you

i feel miserable.
im so used to having a male close friend with whom i can msg in the early hours of the morning and most of the time he'll reply. or the one guy who will layan you kau-kau no matter what cuz he's developed a very protective bond over you..
it sucks when the current one is the one you are having problems with.

*frustrated*

hey, are we back to just being normal friends?
this question again? i was busy the past few days..
you know why? because i don't know what i actually feel about you..one minute il be missing you like crazy, but the next moment im like whatever you know. thats why i ask, don't get irritated okies? :)

no reply means you dont feel the same way i do.
so just tell me, why you want to keep me dangling there like a marionette?

its different if you and i are in the same position where we only have each other to think about, with no other exes casting a shadow over us.
but i know deep down in your heart, she is still there.
oddly, i am not upset that she is, im just saying, i dont like to share..
you are first and foremost my friend. one of my closest.
i care alot about what you are doing, and how you've been.

so its okay if you tell me that things are back to what it was.

because when you do, it makes life so much easier.
we would know our boundaries, and when i do miss you- i would know its only because i miss you as my friend, and not confuse it with anything else. i wont feel hurt if you dont reply my msgs. i wont be glancing at my phone every 3 minutes to see if you had replied.
you like to see me that way is it huh sayang?

i dont. i didnt just get out of a relationship just to stumble into another thats somewhat similar.

if however you tell me about how you really feel, then at least i dont have to keep on guessing all the time. its really unfair, how can you treat your best friend like this?

i do understand that perhaps in not defining things, its better. you dont want to spoil things by interpreting everything so literally all the time.
but at this point in time, i need to be clear as to what is it you want.
a fling?
a rebound?
a back up?
a once in a while thing?
what?

when i feel like want to manja here and there, you tak layan langsung.
then when im in friend-mode you will suddenly msg something sweet.
we'd be walking together but we might as well be strangers looking at the giant gap between us.
but after that, its a different story.

i dont want to "fall-in-love" with you just because ive gotten used to you being like this okay?

make up your mind la.

so that i know. so that MY feelings wont get hurt in the process.
so i guess il end it, and i wont tell you.

last class of the academic year.

as we walked out of the class for the last time i felt really empty.
which is what i felt
on the last day of primary school.
last day of secondary school.
even worse on the last day of form 6.


when we have to go off on our study breaks i suppose the effect is not as strong because
"hey, see you during exam!"

but i suppose a little distraction is enough and neccessary
to make sure that
the harshness and the loneliness of it all
is a bit easier to manage

i dont like saying goodbye.
never did.

take a bow. shows over.

i had a dream about you last night, and we were both so happy.
like as though the incident in Feb was long forgotten and forgiven.
it was just like good times, like old times. talking, sharing, laughing, exploring.
we were talking, catching up on the missing pieces of each others lives
you'd smile at me and it made me happy that we were finally friends again.

and then i woke up to reality.
am i kidding myself? yes.
because the only way it would go back to that is if i fall for your smile and your charm once again.
no. you put me through hell.
for weeks i was haunted by your every move, your every word, your every gesture, your every everything.

if you didn't treat me that way that night-we'd still be the best of friends.
and we'd still be talking. sharing. laughing. exploring.
now there is this massive void between us.

i do wish you the best.im so over all that hate and anger.

when you snooze, you lose.

if i were flexible enough, i would kick myself in the head for taking my sweet time to redeem the vouchers.

*digress*
last month, i received a msg telling me that i have gotten myself a free limited edition shirt (apparently worth 109 ringgit) from Pull and Bear. since it was in the evening and i needed to get some groceries anyway i just slipped on my staple denim shorts with a decent looking shirt and red flats.
walking into Pull and Bear i made a beeline to the counter where i took out my secondary phone (which is quite an old model) and showed the msg to the girl at the counter. so while i was filling out my details, she was blabbering away to another salesgirl (whoops, they are no longer called that isn't it, now they are SALES ASSISTANTS) when suddenly
YA I CAN TELL IF THEY WALK INTO THE SHOP JUST TO GET THE FREE SHIRTS, USUALLY YOU DONT SEE THESE TYPE AROUND HERE
and smiled to me as she passed me the "limited edition" shirt.

i was thinking.
should i feel offended because its really offensive what she said? or am i being just a wee bit too sensitive?
after all, its not like we begged to get those shirts.
like yoki once said ada rezeki jangan ditolak

even if she didnt mean to sound so insulting, shouldn't she have thought that saying it out so LOUDLY would have made it sound worse than it really was?

you see, the irony of it all is that i HAVE purchased clothes from there.
just because i walked in looking so selekeh doesn't mean i cannot afford to pay for your clothes, okay.
i dont really sound that pissed cuz this event happened a while ago.
but the thing is, i started thinking- does this mean i have to dress up BEFORE i walk into the shop? just so that they don't judge me and act as though i am not worthy to be in the shop?

oh please la. the shirt, while it was quite nice and colourful (and a cheap advertising gimmick since it says "I BUY FROM PULL AND BEAR") did not seem to me like it was worth 109 ringgit.
but i do love it. if there is a similar shirt with the same cutting available in pure black, pure white- i would buy it.

you see. there is a reason why she is the sales assistant.
obviously she lacks the tact needed for a better job.
*end of digress*

so back to the Guess cash vouchers (urgh, i'm still feeling sore about it).
i was feeling abit appprehensive about walking into Guess in Highstreet- where all the shops are like omgwtfonlyinmydreams type so i purposely brought the cousin sister for support (see? paranoia).
walking into the shop (which is like a gazzillion times better and more expensive than Pull and Bear) i really feel so intimidated as i make my way to the counter.
i walked up to the guy behind the counter and asked him about the voucher and showed him the msg on my crappy but dependable secondary phone. and guess what?
i'm so sorry miss, but we only could give out vouchers to the first 30 people.. *shows list* i'm so sorry.. *smile*

i kinda knew it cuz i went to redeem my vouchers 2 days after receiving the msg. but its okay i suppose- i have a funny feeling i would have to fork out more money to get a decent pair anyway :)

but the way he spoke to me was really so nice. this is the type of service one should be giving if one is working in a line that deals with customers.

Sales staff aside, i really really feel a great sense of loss when i did not get the vouchers.
Its okay. I may not even be able to use them anyway..i think.
I'll just wait for the next cash voucher offer to fall into my lap- and i'll be more kiasu next time :p

btw- i wanted to get myself a new pair of shoes from Vincci but they always don't have my size! its so frustrating! :(
and i walked the whole of pdi this morning and i couldn't find a single thing i liked.
their standard is going down the drain! bad designs, cheap materials, gaudy colours.. the only items which i think are still worth buying at the moment are their shoes.
its so frustrating because i have 80 ringgit cash vouchers and i can't find anything that i like enough to spend that sort of money on.
on top of that, they gave me two 40 ringgit vouchers, so i have to find items which must add up to 40 minimum or else damn wasted la..
why couldnt they have given it to me in 20s instead?

alright, im being such a bitch- sounding so ungrateful..
im not. just frustrated :( since my voucher expires in june, i hope that they have new stuff in may (or sales or something..)
or shoes that i like which are in MY size. please please please.

what do you think?

I'm
a Gryffindor!

exBfNo3

been catching up with exBfNo3. im glad he is one of the few exs whom i am still on good terms with..few weeks back he asked me after a long conversation
so, was i a good boyfriend?
yeah. but kinda boring la.
oh. sorry.
i meant the relationship..not you.. *grins*

we ended the relationshp early form 5. and we never spoke to each other the way we used to after that. somehow, after nearly 6 years of not seeing each other or even talking to each other, we started to rekindle the friendship when..

CONVERSATION 1:
wah. there is this guy that i see every week, and i really like him
oh. cute ah?
ya. not to say handsome or what, but i like to see him.
so who is better looking. me or him?
WHAT! why you ask until like that!
just asking. so who is better?
erm. both also different, quite difficult to compare and i dont like to compare.
its okay, because I am asking you to compare us. so who is better?
erm. he got muscles la, body very nice.
dont talk about muscles, i know i dont have. so faster tell me..who is better looking?


CONVERSATION 2:
hey. am i handsome?

omg.
please la hahaha.
in both instances, i didnt bother answering his question.
how to answer! i don't like to lie to people's face okies!
then he cheekily asked
am i putting you in a very difficult position?

THIS IS NOT THE PERSON I DATED AT ALL!
scary.
scary shit.