Wednesday,February 13 2008- valentines

today the brother told me i looked like i could kill someone. its the hair i suppose. or the dark blue sweater i had on. or the "dont-fuck-with-me" look i had on. or maybe its a combination of all the above.

either way, its 2 hours to valentines and funny though it has no impact on me whatsoever because i wasn't even aware that its the 13th today!


ah, well. being single and so totally unattached means that there will be
1. no flowers (hah, like i got any from my practical ex-bf "why should i buy you something that will not last anyway?")
2. no chocolate or candy (which is good since i have a slight aversion to all things sweet lately)
3. no lovey dovey text (which for all you know had been forwarded to half the girls in the phonebook)
4. no wet kisses to look forward to (i enjoy it only when the guy has got some real skills. otherwise id just sit there with my mouth wide open)
5. no "nudge-nudge-wink-wink" moments (just not in the mood, baby)

im gonna spend it with the one person i love.
with myself.

i had pondered over whether or not id subject a person i love to the kind of pain ive subjected to myself. and the answer was a resounding NO.

imagine a person i love very much. (sam, min)
imagine me forcing either one of them to call a person who obviously does not want to be with them.
imagine me talking and making them think about things that evidently brings them pain and sorrow.
imagine me making them stay in bed the whole day because "they have to wait for a message that MIGHT come"
imagine me giving them drinks to drown their sorrow in when they are down.
imagine me telling them "please, skip class because you are depressed"
imagine me encouraging them to consider taking pills to cure the heartache.

i cant.
i cant do those things to them, because it will break me. i cannot bear to think about even doing those things to them. why is that so? because i care about them immensely, and i love them from the bottom of my heart.

so how about me?
do i care about myself the way i care about them?



obviously i dont.

so i will take time out to fix this broken relationship that i have with myself.
because if i dont love myself and if i do not realise and understand my self worth- no one will.