happiness. joy.

I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY.

i have thrown away every stupid memory of a crappy situation.
im finally over the Revisionist Relationship Disorder- where the continuous loop of the good parts keep on replaying itself over and over and over in my head skipping past the horrible moments.
ive gotten out of stalker mode- checking up on his every move, every shoutout, every everything.

the moment i broke out of this dungeon i was in, guess what?

he sends me a msg.

wah. damn happy la.
not because OH HE MSG ME!
but because im so over all that nonsense so its more like SERVES YOU RIGHT YOU ASSHOLE and therefore i ignored whatsisname completely..

it goes to show.
when you let go, amazing things happen.

anything for you

three little words i haven't heard in a long time.
hearing them again makes me smile.

its like how they say.
once you move out of that rut, things become much better and suddenly vast opportunities and possibilities appear.

its like completing a level in a game.
you got to finish the objective, reach a goal in level one before you can move on to level two.

so perhaps that was what i needed to do.
kill the monster of uncertainty.
destroy the temple of depression.

ive leveled up.

The Commando

alright, im feeling much better now.
last night around 2 i just couldnt sleep especially with all the nonsense going on in my mind. finally i was like alright, fuck it and i decided to msg alpha
are you angry with me or are you not talking to me for some reason?

NO REPLY.
typical la this boy!

but knowing that he is famous for being supercallifragilisticespiallidociously BROKE.
perhaps he had no credit?
case in point, we once went out and he only had 2 ringgit. WTF right?
what the hell, you only got 2 ringgit, so why you bother going out?!
because i want to see you ma. tak boleh ke?

anyways back to the story- i decided to call him (after much deliberation)
wei.
yes. listen! i got no credit!
uh huh..
now its the holidays, parents not giving me any money..
so we are..okay?
yes! we are alright..
sure?
yes la.. dont wory so much okay, you know me right, when i dont have money, i dont have money..
so how come you can still go out all that?!
i also dunno! like lepak at the mamak no need to spend money wat..i have to be like a commando la and see if my friends can cover for me..

*rolls eyes a gazillion times*
but i tell you. ive known him for 5 years. but i suppose this little habit of him being so careless with money is something i have to get used to..

so you know what?
im happier now.

and calmer.
and i hope il stay this way for a longer period of time *smiles*

its over

its over.
i dont ever want to think about one.
i dont ever want to think about the other.

enough of the games.
i feel as lonely as hell now.
but its way much better than crying myself to sleep.

ive deleted one off my list.
as for the other, i have change back to my old number so that i wont keep on looking at my phone hoping he texts me.

im trying so hard to be brave, you know? but i really feel as if ive lost all my best friends.
is it because there is something wrong with me?

or what? is it because ive always blurred THAT line?

but you cant help it if you feel what you feel.

im trying so hard to be a big girl, and not cry about it.
but i try
and i try
and i try
and i try
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
but i cant hold it in anymore.
it hurts so much when the person you use to turn to is the person you have to avoid in order to make things right for yourself again.

pain is especially difficult to bear when you are on your own.

"risky love"

so there i was the other day with nothing better to do.
an idle mind is the devil's workshop, and this is what i ended up downloading

imagine how hard i laughed when i saw the opening introduction?

click on image to enlarge

its a see saw kinda game. and it only has 5 levels.
when the girl comes down, you gotta make sure she falls back on the see saw and then the guy will bounce up to get all the stuff up there..
for fucks, il just let the guy fall down when its his turn.
lets just say, the smallest things can make me laugh.

miss you miss you damn you

i feel miserable.
im so used to having a male close friend with whom i can msg in the early hours of the morning and most of the time he'll reply. or the one guy who will layan you kau-kau no matter what cuz he's developed a very protective bond over you..
it sucks when the current one is the one you are having problems with.

*frustrated*

hey, are we back to just being normal friends?
this question again? i was busy the past few days..
you know why? because i don't know what i actually feel about you..one minute il be missing you like crazy, but the next moment im like whatever you know. thats why i ask, don't get irritated okies? :)

no reply means you dont feel the same way i do.
so just tell me, why you want to keep me dangling there like a marionette?

its different if you and i are in the same position where we only have each other to think about, with no other exes casting a shadow over us.
but i know deep down in your heart, she is still there.
oddly, i am not upset that she is, im just saying, i dont like to share..
you are first and foremost my friend. one of my closest.
i care alot about what you are doing, and how you've been.

so its okay if you tell me that things are back to what it was.

because when you do, it makes life so much easier.
we would know our boundaries, and when i do miss you- i would know its only because i miss you as my friend, and not confuse it with anything else. i wont feel hurt if you dont reply my msgs. i wont be glancing at my phone every 3 minutes to see if you had replied.
you like to see me that way is it huh sayang?

i dont. i didnt just get out of a relationship just to stumble into another thats somewhat similar.

if however you tell me about how you really feel, then at least i dont have to keep on guessing all the time. its really unfair, how can you treat your best friend like this?

i do understand that perhaps in not defining things, its better. you dont want to spoil things by interpreting everything so literally all the time.
but at this point in time, i need to be clear as to what is it you want.
a fling?
a rebound?
a back up?
a once in a while thing?
what?

when i feel like want to manja here and there, you tak layan langsung.
then when im in friend-mode you will suddenly msg something sweet.
we'd be walking together but we might as well be strangers looking at the giant gap between us.
but after that, its a different story.

i dont want to "fall-in-love" with you just because ive gotten used to you being like this okay?

make up your mind la.

so that i know. so that MY feelings wont get hurt in the process.
so i guess il end it, and i wont tell you.