i can finally breathe once more

do you know how it feels like to have your entire future depending on a single slip of paper?

in the week before the results were supposed to come out, i've had panic attacks which were few and far in between. id suddenly think of "what-if's" and figuring out all the consequences in the event i couldnt move on to do my clp.

there was so much on the line.

i always am told "you are doing this for yourself" which to a certain extent is true but its pure bullshit la. your results are not only for yourself, it has its effects on everyone around you.

i kept on thinking on how i would be able to pull myself out of the sheer depression id be in if i had gotten a degree that does not qualify me to practice law.

* the LLB comes in few classes. The highest is First Class, followed by Second Class (upper division), Second Class (lower division), Third Class and General Degree. only First class and Second class degree holders are allowed to sit for the CLP*

ever since i did my attachment at this law firm, it suddenly came as a revelation to me.

THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO.

i never knew there exist a job so challenging and rewarding at the same time. i want it so bad that i savoured every single day like it was my last because i know not if i'll ever be back again.

i had difficulty breathing, and the effects are still there. sometimes at night when all is calm and quiet, i can still hear noises coming from my chest.

needless to say, i was scared stiff when i was informed that we could finally check our results online. i cried and cried and cried somemore. i was a horrible mess and i couldnt do it alone. i went to find my brother and he was shocked when he saw me.

when i finally managed to key in the relevant digits, what came out made me sob uncontrollably.

i am so, so blessed.