me love you long time

annoying la. stop smiling.

bloody hell.

suffocating la, cannot tahan dy.

i wish there was something i can do to get rid of that annoying thing i see every time the page loads.

fuck.

yes its all in my mind. so i have to stop thinking about it?

fuck la. 

if it was that easy, i wouldn't be writing this down now wouldn't i.

I WANT IT

i can envision it so clearly in my mind.
i want it, and i want it now.

i want us to be happy and i want us to enjoy every minute of every moment together.
hold hands as we walk through a rocky road.
feed me a piece of curly fry while we're waiting for our order at the counter.
meet me after class for dinner.
surprise me with a weekend getaway.
send me a text in the middle of the night asking me whether im asleep or not.
message me on facebook telling me "i miss you"
take a long drive through the streets of kl in the early morning.
keep my hands warm as he drives.
coaxing me to finish my food.
playfully arguing about what movie to see.
sharing a plate of meatballs.
finding out that he has been talking about me to his friends.
giving me advice when im all messed up.

i want it. i want all the things that has been done and is yet to be done. i want all things good and happy to come out from this relationship. because i know, deep down with the strongest kind of conviction that everything will be alright. im going through the motions, and i will get what i want.

i will. i will i will i will. you cannot help who you fall for. its this magnetic sense that just draws me to him. even if he and i are totally on different ends sometimes but it just works. no matter what happens and no matter what people say (eventhough i understand that its cuz everyone cares deeply for me and i appreciate it so so much- my greatest wishes are for you) , I KNOW that its all a matter of time before i get what i want.

i want it. and nothing, or no one can ever ever take this away from me. because i want it. I WANT IT. i deserve to be happy, so therefore i will be happy.

dreams

i read somewhere that when we dream, its a culmination of our hopes, our fears. 

it's a reflection of what we think of constantly and those which we keep hidden deep beneath.

is it possible to fall into a dreamless slumber?

i've been getting disturbing dreams lately. 

maybe its because i cry so much and constantly have dark depressing thoughts surrounding me.

it even came to a point where i wanted to take meds just so that i can sleep. 

you see, desperate times, desperate measures.

medicine is not the only drug that can make you sleep.

i usually wake up after few hours of sleep to the sun shining brightly into my room with a tear-streaked face.

there was even a time where i refused to sleep when i was so exhausted in the afternoon because i wanted to save my sleep for the night.

i cant be up during the night.

too quiet, too dark, too lonely.

drives me crazy.

i hope that soon, i'll be able to wake up from this nightmare.

that continues even as i am awake.