you are an expensive baby

at least that was what my mom said to me this morning as we left the eye hospital. 

among my many flaws, bad eyesight is one of them for without any visual aid im frankly no better off than a blind person on the street. as a result, my glasses tend to be pricey because of the lenses, and not the frame. just for the lenses alone was 600 ringgit. mahal sial.

that is the price i have to pay for not taking care of my eyes properly. but really, when someone says please take care of your eyes, what do they really mean? perhaps my high power is due to the fact that when i read, i read incessantly, causing a great strain to my eyes. and i love love love to play computer games (yes, im a huge geek) so yess, in the end the left eye is in the 800s and the right is in the 900s. i was told that if a person has eye power of 1000, he/she would be considered legally blind in the US. 

woah. im almost blind man. scary.

somebody, anybody... kind enough to sponsor a LASIK procedure?

malaysian squatters association

to ppl like ahmad ismail, and those who think just like him-

too fucking bad. we are here to stay.

you can call us all the names you want. heck, i'll even provide a thesaurus when you run out of words. as a matter of fact, to be a squatter is an international thing, dont you know?

the international squatters symbol as sourced from Wikipedia

sometimes ppl forget their origins, and where they came from.

you wanna go way back and discuss about historical origins?

 then the orang asli and the original bumiputeras who have been reduced to a mere "lain-lain" in all prerequisite forms should be given high supremacy.

what the hell. you wanna close all the kelabits, lotus, orang sungais, ibans, penans, kedayans, selakos, bidayuhs, melanaus, dusuns, kadazans, muruts, bisayas, orang aslis and so many more into LAIN-LAIN? they should be the one throwing a pussy fit.  

eventhough sometimes i myself cant stand certain chinese people, i am after all 50% chinese. so here i am, for once to back up the race that makes up half of what i am. what pisses me off entirely is that we are blamed because we happen to be doing better than others. you think so easy is it, to be at a huge disadvantage, to claw your way onwards and upwards?
its called HARDWORK. have you seen how these chinese parents make their kids go to endless tuitions and supplemental classes like piano, violin, ballet, etc... the whole quota system works against us for heavens sake, but to those people who think along the same lines of ahmad ismail, its as though whatever we have worked hard to achieve just fell out of the sky. if that was so easy, then there should not be this problem of the chinese playing an important part of the economy since if good things can fall from the sky then everyone who happens to be standing outside on a good bountiful day would be able to get these things too as they drop so easily innit.

dont la blame the chinese for the problems that arises, k. come on, we must have done something good for you guys, right or not? if there were no relations whatsoever with the Ming dynasty, how the hell do you think small itsy bitsy weeny malacca survived against potential attacks from Siam and Majapahit huh? it cannot be because the troops from those two places passed by one day and found malacca so adorable and small and went "awwwwwww.................so cuteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..............lets leave it alone"
you wanna state facs, state them in its entirety. If not for the protection of Ming, malacca will not and never could be developed into a major hub on that stupid trade route we all had to study during our secondary school years okay.

so please stop all these squatter nonsense, really.

i have friends from all different races, as a matter of fact ive got best friends from each one of the major races. i dont see the point in even differentiating one from another because of who they happen to believe in and what color their skin happens to be. WHATEVER la really.

having racist leaders which are so abundant at the moment, just makes things worse for the country. for all you know, ppl my age dont give a bloody fuck, so dont go around creating shit out of thin air.

Dear Yee Meng

i'm so glad we found each other again

boom

help me seriously.

i think the air in bkk is just super teruk, it wrecked havoc on my skin!

its no secret that ive been struggling with my skin condition, but lately its getting better in the sense that its not so red and angry looking anymore..ive got loads of whiteheads but those will clear out in due time (or so ive been told) however, today the right side of my face is entirely swollen, and looks so red and inflammed!

and im starting classes this saturday, how unlucky is that, seriously.

i never had acne on my cheeks not until i started college. and god knows the amount of money ive spent on tryng to improve my skin condition.

it really affects my self esteem, and ive become obssesed with trying to have flawless skin. i dont care if i do get the occasional pimple, but please, all this flareups on my cheeks are so glaringly obvious. but frankly, what else can i do? ive done almost everything short of lasers and microdermabrasions.ive tried clinique, ive taken antibiotics, ive done almost everything! and im tired of it, really.

someone recommended cellnique to me, and i think out of desperation il just go ahead and try it next month when im flush again. in the meantime though, i hope my acne will subside, cuz there is nothing more embarrassing than to be a 23 year old with such unflawless skin.

go away if you're looking for something happy to read

its so weirdlah.

you see, when i got back from bkk, i told myself if i dont hear from him that monday night THATS IT we are SO over.

so since ive been pretty "lucky" in the matters of the heart, needless to say that my phone was really silent that night.

feeling majorly depressed, the shoutouts on my MSN and FB reflected the same.

and the irony of all ironies, guess who was the one who checked on me to see if i was alright?

my ex's new sweetheart.

take a cold dagger and thrust it through my already broken heart already now wouldya.

dont get me wrong, i have nothing against her, and im happy they are head over heels in love with each other..

its just that i can't stand the thought of happiness at the moment. 

not when i am so unbearably sad.

sick cycle carousel

its just the same old shit.

i dont hear from him, and im beyond trying to be patient.

i get upset, which results in me making frantic calls.

and when my calls go unanswered, i cry and i cry and i think of the worst things ever.

he's lost interest.

he's found someone new.

he's trying to be kind to me by making me move on first.

then i cry and cry and cry.

i get chest pains and my eyes are sore.

then i finally hear from him.

its either an admonishment for being impatient.

a brief "hey, im sorry, was busy"

and my tears dry up instantly.

its the power ive inadvertently allowed him to have over me.

its the same old shit.

rinse and repeat.

a romantic, but an utterly hopeless one

8th September 2008

2233

Hi, busy?

2259

*calls go unanswered*

2308

*calls go unanswered*

2336

:) sleeping, driving, busy,no credit? :p i so wanna talk to you! Didn't think you would be asleep by now cuz i msg you around the same time yesterday :) i got lost in kl today ;p so typical of me, i took three wrong turns, missed a couple of junctions hahahaha :) eh msg me k? Its difficult not hearing from you, and i know ur busy lately but im not asking for much, please? dont leave me out, it scares me... take care, goodnight :) lol. Its 9 months already omg if you know what im talking about lol :)

9th September 2008 

0008

Sorry. busy for assignment due tomorrow.

0105

Can i ask you a simple question?

0105

What is it?

0107

Do you miss me very much?

0107

I do miss you.

0110

Me too. Don't sleep so late dearest. You got to get up early, isn't it.. I'm going to bed now :) nite

0111

I try. Nite. :)

clutching at straws

when you open a dictionary

and look for the word "PATIENT"

you will NOT see my pic there

if you look for "TRYING TO BE PATIENT"

my picture will take up the whole freaking page

lol

wuts wrong

banyaknya metaphore

im trying to be patient you know

trying to be

that day he said he will msg me after he buka puasa

omg i waited from 7 til 930

cannot tahan, i called and called

he got pissed

and then ?

he asked me

"why you tak sabar sabar wan!"

"when i said ill msg you, i will"

then juz let him be la 

do u realize that u might be suffocating him ?

yes

i know

even an onlooker like me could notice

so thats why

i am trying to be patient

you know

i cant be blamed for acting all paranoid when he does certain things

sigh

most of all, i know how it feels like to be irritated with a friend

i really know how that feels like and i hate it

then try harder la 

i know how irritating that could be as well 

you know what

i will just not msg him

just let it be for a few days

im scared, k. thats why

i told u to do that , did i not

yes

and i did!

sometimes the more u try to cling on 

the more it drifts

so its better to let nature takes its course

most of what i do, its out of fear

its no excuse, i know

u know 

im thinking 

what ur going through

might be more of an infatuation then the actual thing 

if u know what i mean 

yeah

im just waiting for that one moment where this would turn off

you know

il do a complete 180

yes i know 

once a girl changes , theres no turning back 

i know that all too well 

so i am waiting for that

but as long as i know there is a slight possibility of it going my way, i wont

wouldnt that be self deceiving ?

at ur current rate

u won't be able to differentiate what is going your way or not 

deep down i know im lying to myself

then again, so is he

everytime he does something positive , it would be deemed as going ur way 

when would it end ?

it wont end, i fear.

i see myself clutching onto a ledge with bloody fingernails, screaming out in pain 

"make this work, dammit!"

its even come to a point where im so scared to discuss this with anyone.

i know i may end up annoying everyone.

so i keep it all inside, and grow miserable, day by day.

rant

urgh whatever la.

when i grow up i wanna travel and do good things for good people.
i want to be able to afford the best cosmetics and lotions.
i wanna go to places ive never been but ive only heard of from people who have been there.
i want to be able to walk into any shop and simply pick and choose pieces to my liking.
i want to fix my nose, my eyes, my teeth, my skin.
i wanna hire a personal trainer and a nutritionist to ensure that i eat what im supposed to.
i wanna be the friend who gives the best presents for birthdays and throws fabulous parties.

i wanna do so many things i wasn't able to do simply because i was never good enough, pretty enough, smart enough.

lets just say, the one thing that can't buy happiness sure will make your life way much easier.

THIS IS A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

we strongly recommend BABYLON A.D starring Vin Diesel and Michelle Yeoh.

if you are the type of person who enjoys watching moves that makes you go "HUH?" then this movie is THE one for you *gringringrin*

went to watch it last night with a very generous yc. *thank you!*

we parked at the new wing, only to walk all the way to the old wing just to have our dinner.

what do you want to eat huh?

dunno. haven't seen any food shops yet..

that is after we walked by vietnamese kitchen, dragon-i, chillies, nandos, itallianies..you get the drift. sooooooooooooooooooo picky la!

we walked by shojikiya and i REALLY wanted to eat there since my first attempt to do so failed miserably :(

hey you wanna eat here? heard the sushi is pretty good.

huh, i try not to eat at these places, its so open..

....................

we ended up at sushi king.

which is right at the other end of one utama.

gila.

okay yes. ive learnt that there are two types of salmon.

one is the normal RAW salmon.

the other is SMOKED salmon.

yes, yes, i am wrong. its not tuna. :D

i love smoked salmon la.

i really really REALLY love it la.

the flavour, the texture...mmmmm....

shit. damn hungry now.

about the movie?

go watch!

really!!!

:D

thanks khelvyn.

you managed to make me forget, and thats enough, eventhough its only for one short night.

I pray my story has a happy ending

sometimes, we cant do it on our own.

so we look to the divine.

every night, i pray for the things i hope for.

those deepest darkest dearest dreams that only God knows.

there are times when i cry as i pray because things are really as hopeless as it seems.

and there is nothing i can do about it.

so i pray and i pray.

pray for success.

pray for will power.

pray for happiness.

pray for love.

pray for a miracle.

"I pray that I don't get hurt"

"I pray that he is faithful"

"Please, let me see him soon"

"Please, I pray that he loves me"
"Please, I pray that I stop loving him since he doesnt love me"

I pray for a happy ending to this twisted love story.

i am a sucker for pain.

what the hell. am i the only one who's not getting some lately?

i miss you guys. so very much.

i can finally breathe once more

do you know how it feels like to have your entire future depending on a single slip of paper?

in the week before the results were supposed to come out, i've had panic attacks which were few and far in between. id suddenly think of "what-if's" and figuring out all the consequences in the event i couldnt move on to do my clp.

there was so much on the line.

i always am told "you are doing this for yourself" which to a certain extent is true but its pure bullshit la. your results are not only for yourself, it has its effects on everyone around you.

i kept on thinking on how i would be able to pull myself out of the sheer depression id be in if i had gotten a degree that does not qualify me to practice law.

* the LLB comes in few classes. The highest is First Class, followed by Second Class (upper division), Second Class (lower division), Third Class and General Degree. only First class and Second class degree holders are allowed to sit for the CLP*

ever since i did my attachment at this law firm, it suddenly came as a revelation to me.

THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO.

i never knew there exist a job so challenging and rewarding at the same time. i want it so bad that i savoured every single day like it was my last because i know not if i'll ever be back again.

i had difficulty breathing, and the effects are still there. sometimes at night when all is calm and quiet, i can still hear noises coming from my chest.

needless to say, i was scared stiff when i was informed that we could finally check our results online. i cried and cried and cried somemore. i was a horrible mess and i couldnt do it alone. i went to find my brother and he was shocked when he saw me.

when i finally managed to key in the relevant digits, what came out made me sob uncontrollably.

i am so, so blessed.