reminder #854

there is ALWAYS a reason for everything.

diamonds in her back

“i remember, my earliest memory of her was noticing how so very beautiful she is, and i remembered wanting to be like her. i wanted to be as calm and as poised as she is”

“she was never alone, for she was his constant companion. their relationship puzzled me at times, for it did not seem like he was her master, and, she, his servant as sometimes i would see him gaze at her with a look of satisfaction on his face”

“there have been times when i’ll peep through the ajar door and see him on lounging on the bed, staring at her while she was enveloped in a sheer robe. sometimes i see her standing, not facing him as he caresses her back gently. he must love her, i think.”

“my master has never been a person who frightened me, but maybe its because i'm a little girl.”

“he is always surrounded by big, big men. she looked so small and delicate by his side. the big big men seem to fear him, and from what i see, my master was their master too.”

“one day, i could feel a change in the air. like something was not right”

“her calm dignity never wavered. she was as poised as the first time i remember seeing her”

“i don’t see him anywhere, surrounded by the big big men. i wonder where they all went”

“master is in trouble. i must do what i can.”

“i run through the mansion. i see strangers everywhere, but they pay no notice to me”

“i enter a room behind a hidden door, where master goes when he needs some time alone”

“i see her, with the same calm look on her beautiful face.”

“without a word, she unbuttons her shirt".”

“curious, i stared”

“she turns around, shielding my innocent eyes of her bare chest”

“even in her simple action, she captivates me”

“what i saw,was etched into me as though from a burning hot brand”

“set in her back, were 5-6 huge diamonds of various colours.”

“she had diamonds in her back”

“my master disfigured her so that he could hide his diamonds”

“i looked at her back once more, and she was bleeding”

“take them, and go.”

“no, i dont know what to do”

“i cannot be responsible for them anymore. he has turned me into a vessel, but i am decaying inside”

“what did master do to you?why?”

“to protect himself from his enemies. if i carry them with me, as they are part of me, it will go undetected”

“but..he cut holes in you…the diamonds  are where your flesh should be”

“i am the only one he trusts”

“what has he done to you, look you’re bleeding”

“again she pleaded with me to take those wretched diamonds and save myself while i can”

“i cant leave my golden haired angel behind.”

“i’ll find help, no matter what, you must make it”

 

“the next thing i know, i was on the floor. someone has struck me on the head”

“through blurry eyes, i see her on the floor, lying in a pool of her own blood”

“i see green ballet flats, but i do not see the owner”

“i see someone ripping out the diamonds, handling them carefully, with no regard to the vessel”

“even in death, she is calm”

“my very last memory of her is that she no longer has those diamonds in her back”

“and my very last memory was thinking how i will grow up to be the person she is, until i heard a loud noise and a pain in my chest”

“as i fade into unconsciousness, i know i will see her again. when she is whole once more”

its not intentional..

it is not that i hate my job or dread going to work.
i just forgot how difficult it was to be where i am now, and the 600-odd crowd who didnt make it would kill to be where i am now.

help me.
i really really need help.from somebody, anybody? please.

help me. help me help me.
please.

jobro ohno

I have been watching J.O.N.A.S and I am definitely going to buy their cd.
They are such a funny bunch of guys!

the aftermath

So its day two and thankfully I've stopped the steady stream of tears.
It all boils down to communication-either you have it or you don't.

I know there are some who are supportive of everything I do, and I'm so grateful because they are there to see the high and lows of what I go through.

Being a true friend means having to accept that the person you give advice to will screw up occasionally. And being a true friend means being happy when your friend is happy and being supportive when your friend is sad.

So as I am going through this moment in life, I do see who my real friends are.

And somehow, the best friend that i no longer am best friends with isn't the one whom I thought it would be.

I'll never forget,at the time i needed help the most

"Who did you break up with? The same guy? You know what I'm going to say. If you don't want harsh advice, I'm not the person you should be talking to."

Its okay. Its okay if you feel that way because in that text alone, was enough to make me feel lost even more.

I want the real me back. that is the reason for all this, because i forgot about me. I placed so much emphasis on a person in my life that I no longer have an independent identity.

i remember watching an episode of The City, where Diane Von Furstenberg told Whitney Port

"The most important relationship you will ever have in life, is the relationship you have with yourself"

Who knew something could come out of a show that is really based on..nothing?

I told him all that I had to say. Everything. Even conversion. And about how I'll live my day today, and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. About how God does things for a reason and that's why I was committed to the relationship because I always believe there is a reason for it. Basically told him everything that I never told him before.

So I'm not crying anymore. because I'm done crying. Enough. Today, I have to in my own way, move on and start doing my own thing because I've neglected me for way too long already.

cry blood

i cant believe its not going to last.
it finally arrived.

after 15 unreplied texts

how can a person give so much love to another and in return, receive only pain.
isnt it only right to be loved equally in return?

of course i love unconditionally and i dont regret it. but it hurts so so much when there isnt any certainty as to whether things have ended or not or any form of closure as to the reason why.

despite the pain, i feel blessed to know i am capable of loving a person with such intensity. something i never felt before.

i only wish and hope its not entirely over.
such a shame to let such love go to waste.

slipping under the radar

ive deactivated my fb profile today.
its much too painful.

compensation

is the prada lg enough to soothe me from the daily frustrations i face each day?

i fucking hate it when someone else drives my car without my permisson.

moving on

if i don't get it, then its fine.

most of the time when you are enjoying yourself, know that its best to leave when its still good. retain good memories of a person or a place.

most importantly, remember to remember that memories are limited edition souvenirs of the past.
if you are lucky, you'll have new good memories so similar to the old ones.
if not, don't be too upset about it.

events occur due to a composition of time, place and people.

even that in itself consists of many varying factors.
so take away good memories and keep them as they are, with no further expectation that things will be the same again.

so back to where i started.
if i don't get it, then it is fine.
il always think of the days when i had lots of fun. and might inadvertently expect it to be as it was before.

ive come to terms with it.

diary entry

dear...diary?

i woke up reluctantly after pressing the snooze button for what seems to be the umpteenth time when i suddenly realised that i was going to be so so late if i dont get my ass out of bed.
i had something to look forward to after class, a reward of sorts, one might say.

upon arriving in class, i was late, as usual. but im lucky because i didnt realy miss all that much. i quite enjoy probate. ive had someone ask me in disbelief before "probate? its so boring!"
no offence sir but i enjoy it thoroughly and if you take me as your pupil, ill handle all the probate cases that come your way.

sitting in class, i catch glimpses of what seems to be compressed notes. and i get worried. should i do that too? im quite unsure (and its a very wrong time to be unsure) because whenever i do mini notes, i dont get to finish everything on time. i dont know if i should be practicing questions or doing notes!
do i feel this way only because i see that it is what the others are doing?
or i should have more faith in my techniques and go for what works best for me?

felt sleepy in class, i really cant handle not having 8 hours of sleep.

but all the time, i told myself to be patient because ill be having lunch with the one person who makes me smile and feel all buttery inside lately. and because he has promised that he will be very good to me.

sigh. my rugby boy.
how i love you.

sometimes, things dont go as you plan it.
but its all in the way we deal with it, i suppose.

"tah pape la budak ni"

tee hee.
i was SO in the mood for some teasin' so i decided to send a text
"hi...could you do me a favour? be more romantic, can?..."
no reply.
cika.
so potong tau sayang.

*SNIP*

*snipsnipsnip* away at all that bugs me. be it people, or things.
*snipsnipsnip* away at careless words uttered or actions designed to hurt.

to those of you who know me, know very well that i seem to find drama no matter where i go and no matter what i do. so im like this huge giant canvas just waiting to be painted as each day goes by.

anger- dash of red.
sadness- splashes of dark blue.
depression- slate.
happiness- orange.
contentment- yellow.
books- beige.
love- pink.
passion- fushia.
kiko- brown.
law- honeybee.
sam- burgundy.
college- off white.

often recently that canvas has been falling short of what it can be. certain areas became so ugly! tainted with some godforsaken colour so ugly, that it doesn't deserve a name.

so what i was trying to do was to paint over these areas with my own brand of colour. yellow, red, orange. but as every amateur artist would know, these light colours dont cover up ugly colours all that well as they should.

so i, decided for the very first time in for heaven only knows how long..to rip that part of the canvas away.
to cut it, draw a sharp blade through, anything as long as it is no longer part of this canvas that is my life.
sure, it ain't perfect what with all the jagged edges and uneven corners.
but at least its free from all that makes it ugly.

*OUCH*

i have an ulcer in the left side of my throat.

HURTS WORSE THAN A BROKEN HEART

my house is noisy

today my mom hired a part time cleaning lady *hallelujah* 

so she will be around 3 times a week to do the basic cleaning :) hmm. how nice this feels. to know that our dust and dirt played an important role in providing a job for a person. *sighs gleefully*

lately the house has been swarming with people. ALOT of people. and i feel kinda stuck in my room because there are people in the living room, in the kitchen.

i never knew the house could fit so many people.

in addition to guys in my kitchen. the cleaning lady brought her two kids with her today. 

how nice it is to see young kids sitting quietly on the couch, watching disney channel.

its just like in my romance novels. the main hero has a huge house and slowly it gets invaded with visitors. the master of the house will retire to his study and occasionally will open his door to the sound of people walking around or kids running or stuff like that. 

in my case, its waking up to House of Mouse.

boberry and min!

Dear min,

i thought you were mad at me.

and i thought that perhaps, i've lost one of my best friends.

it made me really upset. 

for a moment there, i thought maybe, just maybe, it was for the best?

i kinda dread seeing you when you come home because i know that a sound scolding from you is inevitable.

for all the silly nonsensical things i do.

for choosing to do the exact opposite of what you think i should do.

perhaps even at times when you are disgusted by the things i confide in you, it still doesn't matter because, what the heck. 

we're best friends.

once we get pass that chiding, then its down to the good stuff.

the naughty stuff.

the silly stuff.

the serious stuff.

so when i thought that was all gone, i just accepted it, defeated.

maybe we are suppose to have only ONE best friend.

but today however, you told me.

"i can never imagine not having you as a best friend, boberry"

see? you can have more than one best friend.

even if you make me cry because of the things you say-i know its tough love coming from you.

see min?

you're making me cry now.

i forgot to tell you just now.

i feel the same way.

Love you, 

boberry

i feel like a tiny mushroom

when i hear or see the results of other people's hard work.

not feeling envious or anything but hearing and seeing what they can do just makes me feel so so tiny.

i found out over dinner, a friend of mine had done 6 subjects for STPM. 

SIX.

but you know something?

you can only take a maximum of 5 papers.

i did 4 only okay!

his cgpa? 3.93.

(max is 4.00)

erm.

don't bother asking me about my cgpa la ok.

i'm not THAT hardworking.

another thing that makes me feel so small is seeing some of my fellow classmates with their compressed notes.

i see them flipping through their own notes and i feel incredibly nervous. cuz in order to do short notes, you have to have already read that particular area at least twice.

i see my competition right before my very own eyes.

even some of those people who make so much noise in class are apparently going to study at the library before evening class for 6 hours.

there are a group of people that i know who goes to a library to study, every day.

feeling incredibly tiny now.

racist

tee hee

a friend of mine told me a couple of racist jokes.

not knowing i am dating someone from the race which he made fun of.

what to do.

il sit there and let him have his day.

for im sure, him, being a big, strong macho man.

would be able to handle any racist joke which makes as much fun of his race.

we are but mere children. even so, children learn and grow up, but some people, never do.

choose to be alone?

sometimes i feel really really left out of a lot of things.

when there are events, or gatherings, or even simple things like lunches or dinners, to know about all these AND not be invited to them.

so sometimes, i wonder, why bother, seriously?

do i really wanna join these ppl and be part of the whole group? sometimes, i do.

i mean no man is an island, after all so isn't that what im supposed to do? go out and socialize?

how is it possible that a person is part of a group, and at the same time be left out of it completely?

im not used to this culture because for a huge chunk of my life i've always believed that when a bunch of people hang out as a group, they should naturally do things together.

for when a person is not invited, it just means they are not wanted.

its bad enough that i feel terribly awkward and shy most of the time. top it off with the fact that i don't speak a word of cantonese.

im not going to be a prima donna and DEMAND that they speak to me in a language i can understand. 

all i ask for is to make me feel like at least, i belong.

i've been told that i have to find some other ppl other than this group to belong to.

yes, and that this is temporary.

but until the temporary period ends, its all i have now.

so perhaps from now on, i'll just be a bit more distant.

go and do my own thing.

you cant feel left out, when you're hanging out by yourself now can you?

rockster

why, daron, im very flattered. 

thank you :)

new layout!

hehe

i oft change the way i do things. hence the change in the blog layout.

usually id do my own design but *hmph* whatever la ya.

:)

got myself a new haircut which i managed to sustain for hmm lets see, 2 days?

hehe.

i love hairstyles that let me look differently as and when i want to.

since im uber broke i decided to cut it myself.

realising that i do not have a pair of sharp scissors at hand i decided to grab a blunt pair that was lying on my table and *snip*

:)

like i said. 

change is good. sometimes :)

i want to believe in the goodness of people. 

that deep down in each soul no one wants to make another person unhappy

sometimes i dont understand what im supposed to do. ive always been taught to give and give and expect nothing in return, so that way your gift will be sincere and worth so much more. 

so i expect nothing.

i give whole heartedly and i give and give and i do it with a smile on my face and i continue giving some more but for what?

i dont expect much.

all that i need is something that makes all that giving worthwhile in the end.

gratitude.

that which makes all the damn difference between making me feel like ive been used or making me feel appreciated.